When to lean in — or let go — if politics enter your family holiday gathering

The holidays are meant for joy and connection, yet they often bring their fair share of tension — especially when politics or social issues enter the conversation.

I grew up believing that the family gathering table, particularly around the holidays, was a sacred space. It was never just about sustenance. The family gathering was about being in community with the people whom you share an unshakable bond — those who would always protect the best interests of others at that table.

At least, that was what I was taught.

In recent years, however, I have seen another side of what it means to be family: the reality that sometimes, instead of fostering connection, it reveals the bad actors in our lives — even among those we once held dearest. It can illuminate the boundaries that must be built or the bridges that must be burned to protect our emotional safety and well-being.

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I have come to realize that being related by blood doesn’t necessarily mean that those gathered will protect you. Finding family isn’t always about unity, or forcing yourself to remain in a place that causes you harm. Sometimes, it’s about clarity, and the difficult choices that come with it.

This fall, after a conversation that spanned more than 1,000 texts in various family group chats, my husband and I made the difficult decision to hold a hard and fast boundary with much of my immediate family, whose stated values and votes made it clear to us that we could not feel comfortable around them.

Earlier this year, we faced a similar decision with my father-in-law when it became clear that Donald Trump was running for president again and that he would be supporting him once more. Additionally, there have been co-workers, even people we considered friends, where bridges had to be burned when their beliefs became a threat to my humanity.

We all have three choices as we approach our various gathering tables: break bread, build a boundary, or burn a bridge. These choices aren’t easy, but they are essential. With my family, the decision to build boundaries or burn bridges, instead of continuing to break bread, came after years of painstaking effort to converse, actively listen, reframe issues, and try to align on values.

These were decisions we did not make lightly or hastily, but sometimes the best course of action is, in fact, to ban the bad actors. I’ve always believed in the power of better arguments over avoiding them. Engaging in respectful, thoughtful discussions helps us understand opposing viewpoints and strengthens our relationships. The Better Arguments Project advocates for this approach by encouraging meaningful dialogue.

But, as you head into your holiday gatherings, I want you to remember this simple truth: You do not have to be nice. You do not have to betray yourself or your boundaries for the comfort of others. You do not have to be a peacemaker in a world engulfed in flames of division. The opposite of “nice” is not “mean”; it is not even “kind” as many purport. Instead, I think of the antithesis of nice as nerve. Having the nerve to build a boundary or even burn a bridge when necessary. Having the nerve to say, “This is where I draw the line,” and to honor your own emotional safety and values, even when others don’t. Nerve is about standing firm in your beliefs and protecting your well-being, even when it’s uncomfortable. 

Showing up with a strategy for which option to choose — and when — is a powerful way to navigate the complexities of holiday gatherings.

Breaking Bread

Breaking bread is one of the most intimate actions we can take in a relationship. Sitting at a table to share a meal is about so much more than satisfying one’s appetite. It’s an opportunity to connect, share and build relationships. It’s a space where life’s biggest decisions are made. It’s where handshake deals are struck, life plans are forged, and meaningful conversations shape the course of relationships and futures.

When you choose to break bread, it’s about staying open to meaningful conversations, even when there are differences. One way to approach these moments is with a “Yes, and” mindset. This doesn’t mean you agree with everything being said — it means you acknowledge someone’s perspective and build on it with curiosity and compassion.

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For example, if someone says, “I just think people need to work harder,” you might respond: “I hear you — hard work is really important, and I think we can all agree that everyone deserves a fair chance. Sometimes, though, the systems around us make it harder for people to access the resources they need to succeed. If we want fairness, we need to address those barriers together.”

Breaking bread is about using thoughtful framing to keep the conversation open. By focusing on shared values, asking questions, and staying curious, we can turn what could be tense moments into opportunities to foster connection.

Building a Boundary

Sometimes, when a conversation or relationship begins to feel unsafe or harmful, it’s time to build a boundary. A boundary is a line you draw to protect yourself emotionally, mentally, or physically. Boundaries aren’t about controlling others — they’re about respecting yourself and maintaining your peace.

At the holiday table, boundaries might look like:

• Redirecting the conversation to a neutral topic.
• Politely but firmly stating, “I’d rather not discuss this right now.”
• Excusing yourself from the table or gathering if things escalate.

For instance, if a family member starts making hurtful or inflammatory comments, you might say: “I appreciate your perspective, but I’d prefer to focus on something else tonight so we can all enjoy this time together.”

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Boundaries allow you to stay in the room while protecting your well-being. They’re not a failure of connection — they’re a tool for preserving it healthily and respectfully.

Burning a Bridge

Burning a bridge is the hardest choice, but sometimes it’s the only one left. When someone refuses to respect boundaries, engages in toxic behavior, or consistently brings harm into your life, walking away may be the best option.

For me, burning bridges has been a painful but necessary part of protecting myself, my family, and my values. Again, these decisions came after years of trying to have conversations, actively listening, and reframing issues to find common ground. When it became clear that the other person wasn’t willing to engage respectfully, I had to let go.

Burning a bridge doesn’t mean you don’t care; it means prioritizing your emotional health and safety. It’s not a decision to make lightly, but sometimes, it’s the most loving choice you can make for yourself.

Tools for Navigating Holiday Conversations

When deciding whether to break bread, build a boundary, or burn a bridge, having a plan or some phrases on hand can help you navigate these moments with intention.

Here are some tools I’ve found helpful:

• Lead with shared values: Start with principles like fairness, justice, or opportunity. These values set the tone for a respectful exchange.
• Use “Yes, and” Framing: Acknowledge part of the other person’s perspective before gently introducing your own. For example: “Yes, I understand where you’re coming from, and I think there’s another piece to consider…”
• Ask questions: My go-to phrases, “How might we” and “Say more,” invite others to elaborate without escalating the conversation. It shows curiosity and keeps dialogue flowing.
• Use explanatory chains: Link causes to effects to provide clarity. For example: “I agree that hard work is important, but not everyone starts with the same opportunities. Schools in underfunded areas, for instance, often lack resources, which means even hardworking kids don’t always get a fair chance. Addressing those disparities can create a more level playing field.”
• Know when to step away: If a conversation becomes hostile, it’s OK to walk away or redirect. Protecting your peace is just as important as fostering dialogue.

Embracing the Complexity

This holiday season, I know I will embrace both the joy and the challenge of gathering. Whether you choose to break bread, build a boundary, or burn a bridge, approach each choice with intention, compassion and courage.

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In my communications role, every month, I provide colleagues with ideas on what to read, watch, and do to have more meaningful conversations. Here are some tools I have personally found helpful that may inspire you this holiday season:

Read: Storytelling can help others become more receptive to your values and beliefs. Tell your personal story to make it easier for people to engage with and understand your point of view. This approach fosters empathy and encourages open, constructive conversations. Read the study for a deeper dive into this idea.

Watch: Fatimah Gilliam, resolutionary lawyer and trusted friend, offers insightful tips on navigating difficult conversations, perfect for any upcoming gatherings. Her practical advice ensures you can approach sensitive topics with grace and understanding, making her guidance invaluable for fostering positive interactions during the holiday season. 

Do: Simplify your conversations and remove the guesswork by curating meaningful exchanges. Earlier this year, I picked up a deck of conscious conversation cards to engage more thoughtfully with my daughter. These cards encourage deeper connections and more intentional dialogue. Check them out on Instagram for inspiration: Conscious Conversations.

Family itself is complex. Sometimes, the best way to protect what matters most is to let go — and sometimes, it’s to lean in. Both are acts of love that demand courage and nerve, rather than being nice. Whether you choose to break bread, build a boundary, or burn a bridge, know that each choice reflects your love for yourself and the people who truly matter. I encourage you to believe that there is a family gathering table out there that will accept you and protect you. Sometimes, that family is chosen rather than inherited — and that’s OK. The most important thing is finding — or creating — a space where you can be fully seen and valued.