As a negotiation expert, each year I’m asked to give advice on how to survive your politically-divided Thanksgiving table. Every year, we’ve become more polarized than the year before.
And then came 2020. Even back in January, we knew that this Thanksgiving would take place after one of the most bitterly contested presidential contests in history. But now, we’re also doing Thanksgiving during a pandemic, when masks and social distancing have become the new healthcare and immigration — hot-button issues that divide us and strain our closest relationships.
Some of us want to find a way to have productive conversations around the Thanksgiving table. And some of us want to find a way to tell our families we won’t be coming to the table at all. So whether you’re staying home and getting together on Zoom — or you’ll be sitting across the table from someone who holds very different beliefs — how do you survive your 2020 Thanksgiving?
Set boundaries by using “I” instead of “you.”
Over the past week, I’ve talked to dozens of people who want to set Covid-19 safety rules when it comes to Thanksgiving gatherings. Others know from experience that they can’t productively engage with their family on certain political topics.
I train people to negotiate in high conflict situations all the time — whether it’s at the United Nations or within their own families. Over and over, I’ve found one thing to be true: you’re much more persuasive when you focus on yourself — your needs, your goals — than when you try to control the actions of others. The best way to set boundaries is to communicate them by using “I” — not “you.”
For example, instead of saying, “You haven’t socially distanced, so I’m not coming,” try: “I know you’d like to see me in person; I just don’t feel comfortable exposing everyone to the risk of getting sick.”
Or, you might be tempted to say, “Please leave your Facebook voter fraud rants off the table,” but “I want to be clear that I won’t be engaging in talk about the election” sets a calm, clear tone and will be more effective.
Focusing on yourself not only establishes clearer boundaries, it’s also a sanity saver. As my daughter’s kindergarten teacher once wisely said, “Worry about yourself; it’s a full-time job!” You can’t control others, but you can control yourself. Focus on what you’re doing and what you need to feel comfortable during the holiday.
Make use of the F-word.
No, not that F-word: I’m talking about feelings. That’s right; feelings are your friend when it comes to surviving family holidays. People often think that the best way to negotiate high-conflict situations is to ignore their feelings – but that’s totally wrong. The best way to prepare for your Thanksgiving is actually to acknowledge and write down all of your feelings. Why? Two reasons.
One, writing down your feelings about an upcoming situation helps you manage them better once you’re in the situation. Feeling anxious or angry? Write it down. One research study found that people who wrote down their anxious feelings prior to taking a test actually did better on the actual exam. Seeing your feelings on paper often helps you manage them; write them down in advance and you’ll feel more in control when you’re sitting down to dinner.
Two, your feelings help you make decisions. I spoke to one woman who was having trouble sleeping this past week. When she wrote down what she was feeling about the upcoming holiday, she realized she was having tremendous anxiety about keeping her parents safe. Seeing this on paper helped her make the decision to significantly reduce her Thanksgiving guest list.
Say “and” instead of “but.”
Leading up to Thanksgiving, I’ve spoken to many people who want to find a way to talk to their loved ones with different beliefs. Whether you’re just trying to keep the peace or want to share information that might persuade someone, changing just one word — from “but” to “and” — makes a huge difference.
Too often, we try to engage people by saying some version of the following: “I hear what you’re saying but that just isn’t factual.” Or “I care about our election process too, but this president is actually weakening our system.”
What happens to people when they hear the word “but”? Two things. First, they don’t remember, or care about, everything that came before it. For example, if in talking to your spouse you say, “I appreciate that you did the laundry, but the dishes have been in the sink for three days,” you provoke defensiveness as your spouse remembers the criticism without the previous compliment.
The other problem with “but” is that people discount all the points you make afterward. Why? Because “but” is a word that separates you from other people. Research shows that people are persuaded by those who share things in common with them, and also by people they like. When you use “but” in your conversations, people come away feeling like you don’t have anything in common and therefore they don’t need to credit your ideas. Instead, try using “and” when you talk to people about high-conflict topics like politics. Start by hearing their concern, or finding something in common — and then share your opinion or some facts in return. For example: “I too want our elections to be secure, and I trust the bipartisan group of people who have certified the results.” Or, “I hear your concern about children’s safety, and I’d love to point you to some reputable organizations who work in this area.” When you use “and” instead of “but”, your view feels like an add-on rather than a criticism or detraction. It gives the other person the feeling that you are in this conversation with them, that maybe you have something in common or at least you’re willing to hear them. And this increases your ability to engage — and possibly persuade — them over time. Having worked on hundreds of high-conflict negotiations, I’ve seen people engage in all sorts of unproductive ways, like deliberately provoking a fight or even threatening to flip the table. So what happens when someone doesn’t honor your limits or is just plain disrespectful? Count to three. But not in your head — out loud. Here’s what it looks like: the first time someone crosses a boundary, simply name it out loud: “As I mentioned before, I won’t be discussing the election today. Please pass the stuffing!” If it happens a second time, name it and state a consequence: “Once again, I won’t be discussing the election today. If we can’t stick to other topics, I’ll have to take a break from the table.” And if someone continues to push — perhaps they seem determined to start a fight, or they engage in prejudiced remarks — you once again calmly set your boundaries and exit the conversation. “As I mentioned, I’m not discussing that today. It’s clear you need to have that conversation, and I’m not the right person to have it with. I’m going to take a walk now.” Respectful and candid conversation on policy issues is one thing, but no one should have conversation forced upon them at the expense of their well-being. If someone is deliberately disrespectful, use your negotiation skills to exit the situation. When emotions run high, and political differences threaten very real aspects of our lives, it’s easy for a family holiday like Thanksgiving to provoke anxiety. But the same tools that diplomats use for high-stakes negotiation between countries can also help you in your own family interactions — whether your goal is to keep people safe, preserve peace at the Thanksgiving table, or possibly even influence someone’s thoughts for the greater good. Alexandra Carter is a professor at Columbia Law School, a world-renowned negotiation trainer for the United Nations, and the Wall Street Journal best-selling author of “Ask for More: 10 Questions to Negotiate Anything.”
Alexandra Carter
Alexandra Carter is a professor at Columbia Law School, a world-renowned negotiation trainer for the United Nations, and the Wall Street Journal best-selling author of "Ask for More: 10 Questions to Negotiate Anything." Recommended
Encountering disrespect? Count to three.
