Many people consider the start of the new year as the time to set ambitious resolutions and goals for self-improvement. New York Times bestselling author, motivational speaker and podcast host Gabrielle Bernstein is not one of them.
“I think we need to ditch our resolutions,” said Bernstein, who joined “Morning Joe” co-host Mika Brzezinski, as well as MSNBC contributor Huma Abedin and ForbesWomen editor, Maggie McGrath, on Tuesday. “A resolution really implies that we have something to fix, or that there is something wrong with us.”
For Bernstein, 45, it’s all about setting intentions. “Intentions are empowering, exciting, creative — it’s very different than being in a resolution,” she explained.
And that’s the driving force behind her 10th book, “Self Help: This Is Your Chance to Change Your Life,” which released on Dec. 31.
Following the success of her previous bestsellers like “The Universe Has Your Back,” “Super Attractor” and “Happy Days,” Bernstein’s latest work focuses on aligning intentions by clearing a path to healing and self-compassion.
Bernstein does that by utilizing a form of psychotherapy called Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy, a model she credits as the cornerstone of her journey toward sobriety, trauma recovery and spiritual development.
According to the book, IFS therapy approaches the mind as having different parts, such as a people pleaser, addict, controller or workaholic. Some of those parts function as protection mechanisms that developed as a result of childhood trauma or from overwhelming situations.
A trained IFS practitioner, Bernstein uses a four-step process to explore those behaviors in order to resolve inner conflicts and transform self-perception. That process includes:
Choose to check in. When heightened feelings are triggered, you can choose to turn inward instead of overriding those feelings. View them as guidance that you need support.
Get curious about those feelings. This helps you gather information about the thoughts, physical feelings, memories and emotions attached this reaction.
Compassionately connect. Ask for what you need. It could be as simple as, “I need to rest,” or “I need to play,” or “I need to dance.”
Check for “C” qualities after making a shift. The Self has eight essential qualities, known as the “8 Cs”: curiosity, compassion, calmness, clarity, creativity, connectedness, courage and confidence. When the Self is the leader of the internal family, there’s less inner conflict and reactive behavior. “[This practice] allows us to really witness the core beliefs that we have carried for our lifetime,” she said. “The core beliefs that block us from everything that we desire — the stories that we have on loop — I’m not good enough, I can’t do this.” “We have to stop looping,” Brzezinski agreed. Bernstein explains that as people learn to approach their own behaviors, thoughts and beliefs with curiosity, love and understanding, they’ll start to see themselves through the lens of self-compassion, clearing space for “miraculous shifts.” “I’ve had many moments of crisis along the way, as we all do. From 25, I recovered from drug addiction and then carried on with all kinds of trauma memories,” she recalled. “The beauty of all those moments along the way is that it’s allowed me to speak with authentic truth about what it means to genuinely heal.” To that end, Bernstein maintains that if each individual can be their own inner healer, then self-forgiveness is possible by recognizing these limiting beliefs for what they really are. “What if you saw all of the perfectionism, or the I’m not good enough, or the I have to get it done [as] forms of protection,” she said. “These behaviors and patterns that we often judge ourselves for — that we want to forgive ourselves for — the moment that you see them as a protection mechanism, instead of seeing them as a fault, that opens your heart to compassion and self-forgiveness.”
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