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Today on The Cycle: The Onion Book of Known Knowledge
On today’s show we are going to take a break from the political mess happening in Washington from the Petraeus scandal to the Fiscal Cliff and focus on
OnionBookofKnownKnowledge
By
Abby Borovitz
On today’s show we are going to take a break from the political mess happening in Washington from the Petraeus scandal to the Fiscal Cliff and focus on something a little lighter. Will Tracy, Author of The Onion Book of Known Knowledge is joining the conversation to discuss the Onion’s extremely important encyclopedia. The encyclopedia contains everything a person must know. This book is compilation of an assortment of facts, illustrations, maps, and charts that illustrate valuable information to its reader. And if you know The Onion’s love of satire, you won’t want to miss this!
Be sure to tune at 3:40 p.m. for the full conversation with Will Tracy and check out an excerpt from the Onion’s encyclopedia below.
Aapanthera, previously unknown breed of African big cat that, by 2012, had eaten all of the world’s aardvarks and taken their place at the top of every alphabetically organized list.
Abdul-Jabbar, Kareem (b. Apr. 16,
1947), American basketball legend born Ferdinand Lewis “Lew” Alcindor, Jr., who was forced to change his name after Milwaukee Bucks coach Larry Costello imposed a strict code of Islamic law on his team. Issuing threats of severe physical punishment, Costello commanded Abdul- Jabbar and his teammates to wash their feet before stepping onto the court, grow thick beards in reverent emulation of the holy prophet Muhammad, and eat, drink, and dribble with their right hands in accordance with the immutable will of Allah. Despite Costello’s insistence that the Bucks exhaust valuable timeouts to pray toward Mecca,
Abdul-Jabbar, along with veteran point guard Faruq Akbar and small forward Abdullah Ali-Abdullah (born Oscar Robertson and Bob Dandridge, respectively), led the team to its only championship in 1971. Abdul-Jabbar was banished from Milwaukee in 1975 after
Costello caught him paying interest on a loan and, infuriated, threw acid in the 7-foot-2 center’s face, forcing him to wear protective goggles for the remainder of his career.
Academy Award, film industry’s highest honor, given annually to actors, directors, and other professionals for excellence in the field of desperately wanting an Academy Award. The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has recognized the relentless desire for an Oscar since 1929 and has presented hundreds of awards to those who best exemplify the organization’s standards of naked ambition. The Oscars are preceded each year by the Golden Globes, which are also awarded to those actors who most want to win an Oscar.
Adam And Eve, according to the Book of Genesis, first man and woman created by God, and the last humans made personally by the Almighty Himself until 1976, when He made La Porte, Indiana, resident Jerry Dunnigan out of clay just to see if He could still do it.
Addiction, physical or psychologicaldependence on something suchas, well, in this particular case it’s alcohol,but it could come in manother forms as well. Addiction is sometimes focused on abstract conceptsrather than actual chemicalsubstances—obviously not what’shappening here with all the bingedrinkingand the constant sippingfrom a flask and so forth, but it doeshappen—and patterns of addictioncan differ greatly in their intensity,though in this instance, of course,we’re clearly talking about someonewho pretty much needs a liter and ahalf of Gordon’s every day just to beable to function. Treatment for addictioncan take many forms, includingdetoxification, therapy, andsupport groups, with varying de-grees of efficacy, none of which matter if you can’t even get to the stage of admitting there’s a problem, and, clearly, there is.
Adoption, practice of raising some child nobody in the entire world wanted by pretending to be its parents. The adoption process requires extensive background checks and legal paperwork, allowing prospective parents numerous opportunities to back out and lead a fulfilling life without being dragged down by a kid who must have something wrong with them, and whom they could honestly never love as much as their own biological offsprng.
Adulthood, period following adolescence in which one has figured out in explicit detail exactly what one wants do with one’s life, is always in control of every situation, and consistently takes the appropriate actions to realize that which is necessary to bring about a lifetime of happiness and personal fulfillment.
Advertising, vile method of communication aimed at persuading people to purchase products or services and responsible for the destruction of art and creativity itself, though those Nike ones are pretty good. Advertising has become the dominant driver of content in print, film, and television, and it exerts a deleterious influence on the subject matter and quality of the media consumed, even if the Bud Light ads are usually funny. Though getting that Maxwell House jingle stuck in your head is annoying, it’s probably not the worst thing in the world, and to be honest, that goofy Geico lizard does kind of grow on you after a while.
Affection, emotional sensation that one either gets too much of and freaks out or gets too little of and freaks out.
Air, atmospheric gas that celebrities must share with regular people.
Airplane, fixed-wing flying vehicle invented in 1903 that has made it impossible to avoid returning home for Christmas, Thanksgiving, weddings, funerals, or any other event, no matter how far away it is. Airplanes counter the force of gravity by using either static lift or the dynamic lift of an airfoil, which completely eliminates any excuse one might have not to travel 1,500 miles for Labor Day weekend even though they were just home for the
Fourth of July and really would like to take an actual vacation for themselves one of these days. The ability of the airplane to safely and swiftly cover large distances has allowed millions to fly all the way in from San Diego for Mother’s Day, which isn’t even a major holiday, or attend their sister’s baby shower when everyone knows there’s no fucking way she’d do the same for them. No fucking way.
