Similar to the news cycle, there are trending topics in therapy. If people “out there” are talking about political strife, climate anxiety, and burnout, they’re talking about it “in here” to us therapists, too. The difference is sometimes we hear about it first, before the feelings and phenomena have been publicly articulated. So, when organizational psychologist Anthony Klotz coined the phrase “The Great Resignation” in the spring of 2021, and then predicted that the trend will continue for years in 2022, I can’t say I was surprised.
In my clinical practice, my patients spoke frequently over the last year about problems related to the pandemic and how it exacerbated pre-existing challenges, particularly related to work. Burnt out, unsupported, and tempted by “better” opportunities, my patients shared their quitting fantasies, entrepreneurial dreams, and the envy-inducing, Instagram-friendly lifestyles they coveted. They didn’t just want a better job, they wanted life to feel different. And quitting, they hoped, would be the cure-all solution.
Faced with a rapidly shifting work landscape, most of them seemed to be searching for an external change to deal with internal stress and to regain a sense of control, something akin to cutting one’s hair off after a breakup. I found myself having to remind people—barring those in legitimately toxic workplaces—that a new job may bring about some of the changes, but they will still be facing the existential angst of living in an era of widespread stress and uncertainty—and if they don’t address how that makes them feel inside, they’re likely to carry those feelings with them to the next gig. Furthermore, if they really want to feel different, they’ll need to take a hard look at why they keep picking “new” jobs that feel an awful lot like their old ones…or they’re likely to find themselves quitting that one, too.
“Is it too late to quit my new job?,” a 37-year-old New Jersey-based executive and new mother asked me recently via video chat. When she decided to leave her last job at the height of the pandemic, she had told herself it was because she could no longer justify the long hours on Zoom and overwhelming workload. Quitting seemed like a golden ticket to a new life—one in which she would stop pulling her laptop back out after dinner.
The job market was good. Her experience was even better. It wasn’t long before she found herself choosing between two jobs. The slower-paced role on a smaller team seemed ideal for the lifestyle shift she wanted, but it didn’t excite her. So she accepted the second position: a serious leadership role at a company “on a rocketship” of growth. She dove in head first, convinced this was the change she had been searching for. A few months in, she was already exhausted from working around the clock. The faces on her Zoom grid had changed, but everything else was the same as it had been at the previous job, maybe even worse. She could not understand how she’d gotten herself into the same situation—or why.
But I could. I see this a lot in therapy. Someone will say they want a different kind of relationship only to end up locked in the same dynamics with a new partner as they had with the last. They switch the surface variables but neglect the deeper motivations that cause people to continually seek the familiar even when it’s unhealthy. Instead of asking, “why am I continually attracted to this person or job that doesn’t make me feel good,” or “what can I do to improve my current relationship,” they believe the next relationship or job will be the solution. Something different may be the solution—but not if they don’t ask themselves the right questions first.
For this particular executive, the distance between what she thought she wanted (peace and a slower pace) and what she subconsciously believes she needs (the adrenaline that comes with a chaotic workplace) isn’t going to shrink when she moves to another job. My advice to her was the same advice I give to most people who are considering quitting for the second, third, or fourth time in as many years: maybe you should quit your job, but before you do, ask yourself: is the issue inside of you, inside of your corporate culture, or a symptom of larger forces outside of work? What changes are possible, realistically, to make where you are now? What qualities are important to have in your next job…and are those qualities actually aligned with the lifestyle you want?
Lastly, what would you need to change within yourself to avoid replicating past unhealthy work dynamics? I ask this question not to place undue responsibility on the individual, but to acknowledge the role of repetition compulsion—our tendency to repeat things until we understand them. This is a major factor of what I believe to be our current trending topic: breaking up with one job for another only to find we’re essentially getting into the same relationship with work every time. Just like in romantic relationships, however, there are ways to break the pattern. When Albert Einstein said “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results,” he may have omitted a crucial piece of context. Repetition—when accompanied by reflection—can be a pathway to understanding how the very aspects of work that stress us out are the same factors that pull us in over and over again throughout our careers. Do we keep picking jobs that burn us out because it makes us feel needed? Do we fill in for colleagues at the drop of a hat because it’s what our family expected us to do growing up? Is it enticing to overfill our lives with work so that we don’t have to be alone with our thoughts? When it comes to jobs we find attractive…do we have a type? The Great Resignation has made us look at the aspects of American work culture that are unsustainable and problematic. Maybe it’s also time to reevaluate our relationship with work—and why we’re turning to our jobs to create the changes we need to make within ourselves. Dr. Emily Anhalt, PsyD is the co-founder and chief clinical officer ofCoa, the online gym for mental health. Coa offers live, therapist-led group classes training the 7 traits of emotional fitness, including Emotional Fitness for Leadership. Her new podcast, Emotionally Fit with Dr. Emily Anhalt launches in June 2022.
Dr. Emily Anhalt
Dr. Emily Anhalt is a psychologist, as well co-founder and Chief Clinical Officer of Coa, the gym for mental health. She is the leading researcher of the 7 traits of emotional fitness, a specialist in therapy for entrepreneurs and executives, a Tedx speaker and author. She has collaborated with some of the fastest-growing technology companies including NBCUniversal, Google, Asana, TEDx, Github, NASDAQ, Unilever and Bloomberg. She has been featured in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, Harvard Business Review, the Financial Times, First Round Review, FastCo, Entrepreneur and more. Recommended
