How to become the ultimate leader – without uttering a word

The following is an adapted excerpt from Emily Kasriel’s new book, “Deep Listening: Transform Your Relationships with Family, Friends and Foes.”

The Listening Traps That Undermine Workplace Dynamics

I Must Prove I’m a Man

“Mother,” Telemachus commands in “The Odyssey,” “go back up into your quarters, and take up your own work, the loom … speech will be the business of men, all men, and of me most of all.”

More than two and a half millennia after Telemachus’ command, women in most societies have claimed their rightful place as full participants in conversation. Yet the ancient chorus of gendered roles still echoes in the way we listen; while women also like giving advice, when they listen, men are still more likely to offer their speaker unsolicited guidance on what actions to take, according to a recent study.

While evidence suggests that perceived differences in how men and women listen are more significant than actual differences, your assumptions about gender roles can still hamper your ability to listen. This holds true whether this trap feeds on a belief in a dominating masculinity you feel you should aspire towards or a passive femininity you feel the need to escape from.

Yet studies have revealed that strong listeners are more capable leaders and strengthen their colleagues’ creativity. They catalyze more effective, stronger relationships based on real understanding and trust.

What’s Stopping us from Really Listening?

Many workplaces remain ensnared in what I call the I want to win trap — a mindset where leaders prioritize proving their own ideas over understanding others. This combative approach disproportionately silences women, whose contributions are more likely to be interrupted, overlooked, or attributed to male colleagues. In male-dominated industries in particular, the pressure to adopt assertive communication styles often forces women into a double bind: labelled too assertive if they mirror these tactics yet ignored if they don’t.

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Another factor underlying the hesitation of leaders to embrace more profound listening is an implicit belief that their current listening practice is more efficient. Standard listening can indeed be quicker, not least because it prevents concerns, challenges and contradictions from coming to light. Lip-service listening sustains the mirage of there being one valid view- point, a viewpoint which is alluringly simple, and one which you already understand. Perfectly. Deep Listening takes more time, but it is an investment in the relationship and in true understanding.

Deep Listening as a Catalyst for Transformative Leadership

At the heart of Deep Listening is “acknowledging a speaker’s humanity” by granting them empathetic space to develop new thinking. Unlike transactional listening, which seeks solely to extract information — treating the speaker as an object, Deep Listening creates partnerships where ideas can evolve.

For women, leaning into this skill offers a counterintuitive path to influence by prioritizing understanding over dominance, they cultivate environments where diverse voices feel valued. And if they really listen to someone, they are more likely to be listened to in return.

Consider Stephen Allen, former CEO of Mediacom, who attributed his success to spending his first month listening to every employee. “I couldn’t believe the number of people, from junior people in the mail room to senior leaders, who told me, ‘I want to learn.’”

Allen’s listening leadership, and the insights he gained this way, steered the company towards an impressive bottom line. He took on the helm of the global business and built Mediacom into one of the world’s four largest media agencies.

Creating Space: The Physical and Psychological Foundations

Designing Environments for Authentic Dialogue

Physical space shapes psychological safety. Traditional boardrooms, with their long tables and hierarchical seating, often stifle open exchange. Women leaders can disrupt this by reimagining layouts — opting for circular arrangements or even, one to one, walking meetings — to signal collaboration over competition. Warm lighting and minimizing distractions (like visible screens) further encourage vulnerability and honesty, particularly critical for employees from marginalized groups who may hesitate to challenge norms.

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The Power of Strategic Silence

One of the eight Deep Listening steps I write about in the book is Hold the Silence, pausing 3–5 seconds after someone speaks.

While perhaps uncomfortable initially, this practice disrupts interruption patterns and signals respect. One study found that when both parties in a negotiation were asked to keep silent for 20 seconds, they came out with many more creative win-win outcomes than zero-sum, if I win, you lose results.

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Deep Listening to create Real Understanding

Reflecting back with a Deep Listening approach, is not a superficial active listening type of reflection, where you go through the motions and parrot back or paraphrase what the speaker has just said. With Deep Listening you use your whole being to listen to their whole being. Your ambition, to capture not just your speaker’s words, but what is unsaid, and their emotions, whether or not they’ve overtly expressed these.

Sometimes you might pick up on a single word: overwhelming. At other times you sum up the contradictions and patterns your speaker has expressed throughout the exchange. The result? You not only confirm your understanding but help the speaker to go deeper and better understand themselves. And you both experience a far more profound connection.

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The Empathy Advantage: How Women Listen Differently

From Fixing to Understanding

The I must solve and sort trap — the instinct to immediately offer solutions — often undermines trust. I once coached a leader who initially dismissed her team’s concerns as complaints. By shifting to curious questions like, “Help me understand why this matters to you,” my client was able to uncover systemic issues affecting retention.

Women’s socialization to prioritize caregiving roles can translate into workplace strengths here, enabling them to discern when colleagues need simple listening to versus actionable advice. And of course, letting an employee create their own solution in your presence, doesn’t prevent you from giving them feedback and co-creating a solution.

From Margin to Center: Listening as a Tool for Systemic Change

Amplifying Unheard Voices

In the BBC-British Council project that I led, I trained 1,000 young people in over 100 countries in Deep Listening. According to peer reviewed research, participants reported feeling safer to express themselves and felt more connected compared to a control group.

What was really exciting was that they became more able to examine their own attitudes even as they discussed subjects over which they fiercely disagreed, like the role of social media as a force for good or whether we should all be vegetarian.

Women can replicate this in workplaces by intentionally elevating underrepresented perspectives — and meaningfully engage — even when they have very different opinions.Once you realize that true listening does not signal agreement, new ways of engaging become possible, even in the most contested spaces.

Rewriting the Rules of Power

Deep listening isn’t about women conforming to stereotypes of passivity. It’s about redefining leadership as a practice of curiosity, courage, and co-creation. By embracing the eight-step Deep Listening framework — from creating psychological safety to navigating silence — women can transform workplaces into ecosystems where everyone can thrive. In doing so, they prove that the most revolutionary act in a noisy world might just be the willingness to listen.

Excerpted from “Deep Listening: Transform Your Relationships with Family, Friends and Foes,” by Emily Kasriel. Reprinted by permission of William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins.