A few weeks ago, I unexpectedly found myself in a hospital bed. As doctors frantically worked to try and figure out what was wrong with me, I realized it was time to cancel the goats.
You see, a friend had recently gifted me two baby goats. I’m an animal lover and had been working for weeks to figure out how to transport my new pets to my house in Maine. I had been reading a beginner’s book on raising goats, learning about veterinary care and the fencing I would need to keep potential predators at bay.
As I sat in the hospital awaiting medical tests, I realized I had taken on too much. So, I cancelled the goats. I postponed unnecessary work meetings. I called off some summer trips I had been planning. Instead, I scheduled two trips, one to see each daughter – the people who truly mattered.
I wound up in the hospital in the first place because I had been experiencing chest pains and was having shortness of breath for a few weeks. My balance had been off. And I was having major brain fog. I had been keeping it mostly to myself, but people were starting to notice. A week earlier, my executive producer had a burst of frustration with me during the show. Before he could stop himself, he asked me through my earpiece right as we went to commercial break, “Is anything wrong? Is everything OK? Because you’re terrible!” (We are often tough on each other, and he meant this with care).
I raised my hand like a guilty school girl. “I’m not feeling very well,” I told him.
I knew I wasn’t OK, but I didn’t know why. And it freaked me out. I even thought I might have early-onset dementia.
It all culminated on May 10. I was having significant trouble breathing on air, so Joe and I left “Morning Joe” mid-show. Doctors ran a bunch of tests, and one indicated I had a blood clot in my lung. “Ugh, I’ve done it again,” I thought. “I’ve gotten ahead of myself. I’ve pushed myself too hard. I’ve tried to do too many things for too many people.”
I ended up having to spend the night in the hospital for various MRIs and CAT scans that you couldn’t do all in the same day. I wanted to know why I was having such intense chest pains as soon as possible.
My BFF, Rachel, stayed with me in my room, which was about the size of a closet. She brought me Starbucks and a bunch of candy. We watched the Trump town hall together (I will leave all jokes about my blood pressure aside right now).
It turned out the blood clot was a false positive. But doctors told me the way that I had been feeling was likely the result of a perfect storm. That included physical exhaustion (I recently moved an entire house into the back of a pickup truck all by myself, thinking that was somehow cool. Not cool. It was 48 hours of heavy lifting, dragging and driving). Then there was my hectic work schedule, the continued grieving of my mom, and, yes, menopause.
Hitting menopause at 56 was a huge wakeup call for me. I realized I needed to drastically change my lifestyle.
I’m still trying to figure it all out. But one thing that’s drastically changed is my workout routine. It’s been a core part of my life for 40 years. I’d run up to 10 miles daily. No longer. I realized the very routine that used to keep me in shape was now breaking me down. Running on harsh blacktop for 10 miles used to make me feel fit and trim. Now it makes me feel gutted. Lifting weights and going for short runs is what makes me feel strong now. I’m also doing more balancing exercises and moves to strengthen my core. I enjoy running the most, but I’ve come to realize that my body needs change.
I’ve also started hormone replacement therapy and have changed my diet. I’m still working to understand what foods are best at this stage of my life. But the bottom line is that I’m eating clean. I’m eating more protein, iron, fresh vegetables from the garden. And, I’m allowing myself to eat when I want to and when I’m hungry so that I don’t feel run down. It’s a work in progress, and I’m talking to doctors about what is best for me.
And just being able to know that much of what I’m going through is indeed menopause has lifted a giant weight off of my shoulders.
For example, every night at 7:20 p.m., I get a hot flash. (God bless him, Joe turns up the air conditioning at 7:10, gets out the ice and gets ready for my hot flash and my complaining.) And I have several hot flashes when I’m on air every day. That used to be a huge cause of anxiety to me. And now that I know what it is, I’m fine with it. The hospital scare made me face my own mortality. After all, what landed me in the hospital had to do with my body changing and aging. But it also encouraged me to live my best life. And to do that, I needed to make some changes. I feel really blessed to have my health. And you know what? I’ll take menopause any day over what could have been. Yes, I still have brain fog. But you know what? It’s not the end of the world, and it will pass. I just want to give my body every opportunity to perform at its best. And that’s requiring me to change my lifestyle. When I was in my 30s and 40s, I thought menopause would just mean a few hot flashes and maybe have some bleeding. But I’d gulp some pills and that would be that. Never did I realize the extent of the brain fog, hot flashes, sleep disturbances, body changes and mood swings. At 56, I thought these side effects were behind me and that somehow they alluded me. Also, in my 30s and 40s, I didn’t even think I’d be working at my age. Now that I’m here, I can say that menopause is very real but also doable. It’s not the end of the world and it is way easier than, say, pregnancy or the exhaustion of balancing a hectic work schedule while raising small children. At the same time, it can be very real and extremely difficult if you don’t do the work to accommodate these changes to your body. Most importantly, we need to normalize talking about menopause in the workplace. We should look at menopause as one of the many, many phases in a woman’s life. In the past, I used to think of it as the final phase in life. Now I think of it as a new beginning. I’ve got this long runway ahead of me. I’m entering a phase of my life where I can do what I want. I love my job, and I love the work that I do. Know Your Value and Forbes’ 30/50 Summit and our “50 Over 50” lists seem more timely than I could have ever imagined. Simply put, this chapter is exciting. If I have a little brain fog and need an extra beat to formulate my questions on air, people are going to have to wait for me. If I need to take a day or two off to recuperate, that’s fine too. I’ve earned it. It may even mean canceling goats. But sometimes living your best and healthiest life requires sacrifice. Having said all that, I really, really wanted the goats.
Mika Brzezinski is the co-host of MS NOW's Morning Joe, founder of “Know Your Value” and author of four best-selling books, including “EARN IT!: Know Your Value and Grow Your Career, in Your 20s and Beyond” (Hachette Books; May 7, 2019) with co-author Daniela Pierre-Bravo. Prior to joining MSNBC in 2007, Mika was an anchor of CBS Evening News Weekend Edition and a CBS News correspondent who frequently contributed to CBS Sunday Morning and 60 Minutes. Recommended
